Right now that's out of the way. Welcome one and all to my own personal end of the year movie awards (wait didn't there used to be TV too, [Shut up!, there's no time]). The origins of this are simple the Oscars are in my opinion short sighted and usually ignore films released between March and November of the year so my awards take into account every film which I see that is released in the Republic of Ireland between January 1st and December 31st. I keep track of them on IMDb and this years (you mean last year!) shortlist can be seen here. As you can see 2013 was a year of sequels, lots of sequels! And guess what 2014 is looking the exact same (and don't get me started on 2015 [Avengers 2! Star Wars 7!]) anyway enough exposition this thing is already 3 months late let's get to it. (oh thank God the formats copied from Word!)
Keanau Reeves Award for Worst
Actor/Actress
WINNER: Tara Reid, Sharknado
Sharknado was not Citizen Kane, it was never meant to be. But at least
some of the actors in it at least tried. Tara Reid, who had some credits to her
name, stood out as possibly the worst actor in this. Fair play Tara, you’ve hit rock bottom now you can work your way
up.
Worst Musical Moment
WINNER: Russell Crowe in Les
Miserables
Oh Russell, Russell, Russell you can’t sing mate, and using the robot
voice to make up for it just made things worse. A new category this one, think
it might only make a single showing before being retired so should it be
brought back I dub this “The Russell Crowe Award for Worst Musical Moment”.
Still his acting was fine and he was pretty badass in Man of Steel so chin-up.
Spider-Man 3 Award for Worst
Sequel/Prequel/Remake
WINNER: G.I. Joe: Retaliation
This is a weird one. This movie was actually miles better than the first
Joe movie. The problem here is there was a LOT of Quel’s this year and this was
the poorest of them. It’s a shame really.
Worst Movie
WINNER: Sharknado
It must be a good indication for the year that the movie I have to list
as worst movie was one I thoroughly enjoyed at a pure “this is so bad, it’s
good” level. But lets be honest the acting (as mentioned above) was poor, the
continuity errors were many and the effects were dismal. That being said I
can’t wait for the sequel.
Best Soundtrack
WINNER: Anchorman 2: The Legend
Continues
The first Anchorman movie had a great soundtrack. The second one did not
disappoint on that front starting off with “Ride Like The Wind” and continuing
strong. To be honest the second I heard “Dance The Night Away” by Van Halen
this category was over.
Honourable Mentions: Django Unchained
Best Musical Moment
WINNER: “I Dreamed A Dream”,
Les Miserables
The scene that single handidily won Anne Hathaway an Oscar. Let’s give
her credit she gave that scene her all. I think she also needs to give Sinead
O’Connor a thank you hamper because the scene borrows heavily from the video to
“Nothing Compares To You” with the close up on face off a woman with shaved head
while she has emotional breakdown and tear slowly falls down her face.
Honourable Mentions: Iron Man 3 opening credits
Best Special-Effects
WINNER: Pacific Rim
This movie was dumb. There were plot holes, dodgy acting and the premise
was far from original. However, I forgive all that because this movie delivered
on the one thing that mattered. Giant Robots and Giant Monsters beating the
shit out of each-other! And it looked glorious. This movie is a visual treat. I
suggest turning your brain off and just enjoying this pizza (with stuffed
crust) for the eyes.
Honourable Mentions: Man Of Steel, Gravity, Iron Man 3, Thor: The Dark
World
Best Hero
WINNER: Django (Django
Unchained)
I really had to think about this one. My first instinct was Superman but
he did destroy a lot of stuff. Iron Man created his own villain. Thor was fine
but outshone by Loki (who I seriously considered) so I left this blank and
moved on until I finished the Best Actor award blurb then I had my Hero. The
reason being he overcomes some serious adversitytakes down the entire Candyland
operation avenging some of the (actually happened) horrors he has witnessed on
his journey to be reunited with his wife. Also I’m a sucker for a spaghetti
western.
Honourable Mention: Loki (Thor: The Dark World)
Best Villain
WINNER: Annabelle (The
Conjuring)
Zod, tragic. Malekith, boring. Mandarin, cop-out. Kahn, seen-it. None of
these villains is fit to stand in the same pantheon of villainy as that evil
fucking doll from The Conjuring. Annabelle had no lines and you never saw her
move but honestly that’s what made her so terrifying. Word is that an Annabelle
spin-off is in the works. I’m buying the rubber sheets for my bed already. Also
worth remembering Annabelle is based on a real possessed doll…
Honourable Mentions: Turbo (Wreck It-Ralph), Deadites (Evil Dead)
Best Animated Movie
WINNER: Despicable Me 2
I didn’t think I saw enough of these to do a category this year but it
turns out I did and it’s quite competitive. Nudging out Wreck It Ralph and The
Croods is the brilliant Despicable Me 2. You got minions, a decent plot and
some great laughs. What more do you need.
Funniest Moment
WINNER: “We assure you this is
still a true story”, Pain & Gain
Ah Pain & Gain the real diamond in the rough this year. Full of
surprises with it being surprisingly low on explosions for a Michael Bay
picture, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson putting in a great acting performance and
being surprisingly hilarious. I highly suggest you hunt this down on
DVD/Blu-Ray/Download when you get a chance because it is such a bizarre story
that just as things get their most weird a title card flashes up to assure the
audience that this is still a true story. Brilliant and hilarious.
Evil Dead II Award for Best
Sequel/Prequel/Requel
WINNER: Evil Dead
This may be the big award this year considering the amount of quel’s
released this year. As you can tell from the award title I am a Dead-head. Love
my Evil Dead movies. This remake (although it could possibly be a sequel and a
reboot to its own franchise, this remains to be seen) pays the correct amount
of reverence to the original while wisely doing its own thing. Dead-heads would
have probably revolted if Ash (more on him later) had been recast so brining in
an all new cast of characters was the right move. Jane Levy who played Mia in
particular is one to watch for the future I think. While the connections to the
original trilogy were scarce if you stuck around till after the credits there
was a fantastic cameo that should make everyone happy.
Honourable Mentions: Man Of Steel, Les Miserables, Iron Man 3, Thor 2
Stan Lee Award for Best Cameo
WINNER: Bruce Campbell as Ash
in Evil Dead’s post-credits sting
First off sorry Bill Murray but I am renaming this award in favour of
the cameo king Stan Lee. Now on to the winner. You barely saw him because he
was in shadows and all he did was turn to the camera and say one word. But that
was all Ashley J. Williams needed to do to win this award. Sure it’s a bit of a
cop out giving it to a sting but as I said above I’m a Dead-head and he said
“Groovy” damnit!
Honourable Mentions: Liam Neeson in Anchorman 2, (possibly) Christopher
Reeve in Man of Steel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRGwz3c09lk
Best Newcomer
WINNER: Samantha Bark in Les
Miserables
I could tell you the character’s name but unless you’re big on Les Mis
it won’t matter to you. In the simplest terms she played Sacha Baron Cohen and
Helena Bonham Carter’s daughter. You know the really good singer. No, okay how
about this. She was the ridiculously hot dark haired girl who was mad after the
fella in the third act but he only had eyes for the blond one. Dumbass (the
fella not you constant reader). Oh her acting was also really good (I think,
who cares!).
Honourable Mentions: Jane Levy (Evil Dead), Nicholas Hoult (Warm Bodies)
Best Voice Acting
WINNER: Benedict Cumberbatch as
Smaug in The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
First off why is this not an Oscars category? Anyway there were a lot of
good voice acting performances this year but Sherlock did a great job as the
big fucking dragon Smaug using his malevolent vocal tones to perfect effect as
he stalked Kim Kardashian (watch the South Park episode The Hobbit if you don’t
get that) through the golden tomb of the dwarves. Plus I recently heard he
mo-capped all of Smaugs movements which is most impressive.
Honourable Mentions: Steve Carrel (Despicable Me 2), John C. Reilly
(Wreck It Ralph)
Best Supporting Actress
WINNER: Amy Adams as Lois Lane
(Man Of Steel)
Just for making Lois Lane an intelligent character alone Amy Adam wins
this. Yes I know that’s all down to the scriptwriters but still she pulled it
off. No what really sold me is the look of terror in Amy Adams face in the
scene where Superman is flying her away from the Kryptonians. I don’t know what
the hell Zack Snyder said to her to illicit that reaction but bravo.
Honourable Mentions: Kerry Washington (Django Unchained)
Morgan Freeman Award for Best
Supporting Actor
WINNER: Christoph Waltz as Dr.
King Schultz (Django Unchained)
This award to be fair has been closed for quite some time. Since I saw
this last January nothing has quite matched up to the performance Waltz gives.
Honestly one more win for him in this category and I’m renaming this award.
Honourable Mentions: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Pain and Gain), Tom
Hiddleston (Thor: The Dark World), Nick Frost (The World’s End)
Best Actress
WINNER: Sandra Bullock as Ryan
Stone (Gravity)
Let me begin by saying I am not the biggest fan of Ms. Bullock. That
being said for roughly 75 of this film’s 90 minute run time she kept my
attention all by herself (with some great camerawork and special effects but
that’s beside the point). I expect her to get an Oscar nomination for this and
I would feel confident of her winning too (bar Meryl Strep getting nominated
cause she just has to show up to win it). Don’t slip up and do a crappy romcom
next. Build on this!
Honourable Mentions: Jane Levy (Evil Dead), Rooney Mara (Side Effects)
Best Actor
WINNER: Jamie Foxx as Django
(Django Unchained)
Another acting nod for Django. Foxx was great. The bit I liked best of
his performance had to be when he was playing his black slaver character which
simply oozed spaghetti western anti-hero. He played it cold and harsh, which
contradicted the warm but deadly Django we’d seen up to that point. In
particular the scene where he doesn’t react to the death of poor D’artagneon.
Only to get bloody vengeance on the whole lot of the racist slave owning fucks
at the end. Then he made his horse dance…
Honourable Mentions: Hugh Jackman (Les Miserables), Matt Damon (Elysium)
Best Director
WINNER: Alfonso Cuaron
(Gravity)
This guy spent 6 years of his life putting this film together. It is a
labour of love and it shows in every perfect shot. This is also the first film
I’ve seen since Avatar that I have no problem playing the inflated price for 3D
(guys 3D sucks!) because it’s so thought out it works. The shots following the
destruction of the International Space Station in particular look great. Also
he deserves this for getting a Johnpire winning performance out of Sandra
Bullock and resisting the remptation to overuse George Clooney. Cert for an
Oscar.
Honourable Mentions: Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained), James Wan
(The Conjuring)
Top 10 Movies of 2013
10. Pain and Gain
9. Iron Man 3
8. Thor: The Dark World
7. The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
6. Man Of Steel
5. The Conjuring
4. Les Miserables
3. Evil Dead
2. Django Unchained
Film of the Year
WINNER: Gravity
Gravity completes the hat-trick for Best Actress, Director and Film and
I’ve kind of ran out of things to say. It looks great, the acting is great, you
can feel the directors passion for the project in every shot and it knows
exactly how long to be at 90 minutes. If this had gone to 2 hours I doubt it
would be as good. I originally wrote I didn’t think this would get an Oscar
nod. Man was I wrong. Delighted this did so well as it truly was a labour of
love. That being said if you didn’t see this in 3D in the cinema I feel sorry
for you because it just won’t have the same effect on a small screen at home.
3D or not.
DISCLAIMER: I apologize for any typos I had no time! I promise next years will be better!!
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