Monday, January 12, 2015

Johnpire Awards 2014



Oh yes my friends 2014 is in the book and as tradition dictates it is time to hand out the ole year end awards. But first let’s have a little sum up of the year 2014 started very strong with the Oscar winners being extremely strong movies which may (or may not) have held on to their places in the top 10 from as far back as January. The two big box office winners of the year had to be Chris Pratt and Marvel. Though now I think about it, Jennifer Lawerence did pretty well for herself too (The Fappening? What’s that?). Just did a quick count there and of the 28 movies I saw this year (hey I’m doing a masters I did well to see that many), 16 were sequels, prequels or reboots. Yikes! Anyway before I get to 2014 let’s just have a quick word on 2015 which can be summed up with two titles Avengers and Star Wars! There’s lots more coming out but I strongly expect both these movies to come very close (if not surpassing) Avatar numbers in the box-office.

Okay let’s get to business. As always to be eligible for the 2014 awards it must be a movie that I have seen and has been released in cinemas in the Republic of Ireland between January 1st and December 31st 2014. If I didn’t see it or if it was released outside of the time frame, tough titties it ain’t eligible. As always we get the crap out of the way first.

The “Keanu Reeves” Award for Worst Actor/Actress
WINNER: The Entire Cast of Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie
Expect more from this movie later (spoilers) but a quick note about the acting first. God it’s bad. I mean really bad! They get away with it on the show because that’s what 22 minutes where the total exposure time for the cast members is maybe 30 seconds to a minute tops. Just goes to show nepotism is still alive and well in the 21st century because that’s the only way the majority of these folks got jobs.

The “Spider-Man 3” Award for Worst Sequel/Prequel/Reboot
WINNER: Sharknado 2: The Second One
The sequel to last year’s Worst Movie winner returns to make it a brace. Can this series go for the hat-trick? I actually liked the first one there was a charm to its ridiculousness but this one was just one big cash grab with all the product placement and cameos all at the cost of actually being fun. I’ll still watch the third one.
(Dis)Honourable Mentions: Transformers: The Age of Extinction, 300: Rise of An Empire, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Worst Movie of 2014
WINNER: Mrs. Browns Boy’s D’Movie
I should have known better. I know. People warned me. Feck it I thought the show was funny, I still do. But Brendan O’Carroll please never make another Mrs. Brown movie. Between the horrible acting, ridiculous plot and flat out racism its just not worth it. Bad, bad ,bad.

Best Soundtrack
WINNER: Guardians of the Galaxy
The soundtrack which may be single handily responsible for the highest amount of cassette sales in two decades. Using the Tarantino formula of licensing songs from the 70’s and 80’s and inserting them into the movie paid off and helped make Guardians of the Galaxy so memorable. I mean as soon as you heard “hooked on a feeling” in that first trailer you were mentally conditioned to love this movie.
Best Musical Moment
WINNER: “Batman’s Song” in The Lego Movie
While “Everything Is Awesome” is the song everyone remembers from this movie (whether they chose to or not) the underlooked gem of this great movie has to be Will Arnett as Batman singing his dark batman song. Look it up on youtube if you can’t remember it. It’s hilariously brilliant.
Honourable Mentions: Mathew McCaughnehy’s chest beating and humming in The Wolf Of Wall Street, Any song from Guardians of The Galaxy

Funniest Moment
WINNER: Super-Quaalude Scene in The Wolf Of Wall Street
Man there are so many contenders for this but the sight of Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill paralytic in Wolf Of Wall Street had me laughing the hardest of anything else I’ve seen this year. Especially the flashback to how Leo actually got home from the golf club and telling Jonah Hill to get off the phone.
Honourable Mentions: Metaphors don’t go over Drax’s head in Guardians of the Galaxy,22 Jump Streets End-Credits, Air-bag scenes in Bad Neighbours, Spaceship! In The Lego Movie

Best Special Effects
WINNER: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
This was another hard one. Some good contenders but I’m going for DOTPOTA because of how good the ape army looked. Really good stuff. I’m enjoying this series and look forward to the next instalment. Also they were riding fucking horses and tanks!
Honourable Mentions: Interstellar, Guardians of the Galaxy, Godzilla, X-Men: Days of Future Past

Best Newcomer
WINNER: Tony Revolori as Zero in The Grand Budapest Hotel
This lad did a great job as the young bellboy to Ralph Fiennes’s cooler than cool concierge. Expect to hear more about this film later on.

Best Voice-Acting
WINNER: Will Arnett as Batman in The Lego Movie
This was a really hard one to decide this year which goes to show the point I will continue to make that this needs to be an Oscar category. I’m giving it to Gob because Batman was just hilarious in that movie and while Kevin Conroy will forever be the voice of Batman for me, I did thoroughly enjoy Arnett’s comedic take on the character. “If anyone has black or grey blocks I need them!”
Honourable Mentions: Chris Pratt, Morgan Freeman, Will Ferrel &, Liam Neeson in the Lego Movie, Andy Serkis in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Bradley Cooper in Guardians of the Galaxy

Best Hero
WINNER: Emmet in The Lego Movie
Okay I’ve mentioned the Lego Movie a few times so far so let’s go into a bit more depth at this stage. Now be honest raise your hand anyone that thought this would suck *raises hand*. It’s incredible that this movie turned out to be as good as it did, a large part was Lego utilizing as many weapons in their arsenal as possible with cameos from Lord of the Rings, DC comics, Star Wars characters. Not to mention a stellar voice cast. Oddest of all the movie actually became really touching in the third act when you figured out what was REALLY going on. A large part of the movies success was the hero’s journey of the central character Emmet voiced by Chris Pratt (what a year this guy had). At the start he’s just a cut and paste standard Lego character but through sheer accident he ends up involved in a plot between good and evil which he eventually resolves not through defeating the bad guy but reaching out to him and showing him the error of his ways (Zack Snyder’s Superman could learn a thing or two).  I am looking forward to the Lego sequels but I wonder if they’ll be as interesting now that the central character has been established as a master builder?

Best Villain(s)
WINNER: HYDRA in Captain America: The Winter Soldier
I was going to give it to The Winter Soldier himself but then I remembered how big a thing Hail HYDRA was during the start of the Summer. After you saw this movie it was everywhere! I love that it is now firmly entrenched in the Marvel cinematic universe with it being a huge presence in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (some would say that the HYDRA revelation saved that show) and with it looking like a big presence in Avengers 2: Age of Ultron.  HYDRA is something that Marvel has done 100% right since the first Captain America movie and quite rightly deserves the best villain(s) title. HAIL HYDRA, cut off one head and two more shall take it’s place!

The “Stan Lee” Award for Best Cameo
WINNER: The Original X-Men Cast in X-Men Days of Future Past
More specifically I mean Beast, Cyclops and Jean Grey showing up at the end of the movie signifying that Wolverines mission to change the future has been successful. AND more to the point by being successful X-Men: The Last Stand NEVER HAPPENED!!!!! That alone makes this movie worthwhile. It does kinda make the threat in X-Men: Apocalypse a bit null and void though. Oh well that’s the trouble with time travel.

The “Evil Dead 2” Award for Best Sequel, Prequel or Reboot
WINNER: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Man this was a tough one. As I mentioned earlier 16 sequels this year. Most were meh, but there were some gems in their (see honourable mentions). Now me personally, I thought the first Captain America movie was great and I have no problem with Chris Evans as Steve Rogers. I know several people disagree on both counts. That being said even these people were universally praising how good this movie was. This movie stands out in the so-called “Phase 2” of Marvel’s Cinematic Universe (MCU). It did this by the very successful of two new characters (Flacon and The Winter Soldier), genuinely changing the MCU (HYDRA now a major presence, SHIELD dismantled, Nick Fury in hiding), excellent references to the previous installment (Peggy has Alzheimers, Arnim Zola) and surprising revelations (HYRDA were responsible for the death of Howard Stark, Stephen Strange!). The script was well written for a comic book movie and every character got their fair share of screen time. With the subtitle for the next Captain America movie already known to be “Civil War” this felt like the perfect stepping stone towards that concept. Marvel had a stellar year with both this and Guardians of the Galaxy winning at the box-office and with the critics. It’ll be interesting to see how they do with Ant-Man (Avengers 2 is a guaranteed money maker).
Honourable Mentions: X-Men: Days of Future Past, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Godzilla, The Raid 2, 22 Jump Street

The “Morgan Freeman” Award for Best Supporting Actor/Actress
WINNER:  Jonah Hill as Donnie in The Wolf Of Wall Street
Who woulda thought the kid from Superbad would grab himself not one but two Oscar nominations. A perfect example of how a comedic actor can do it if they’re good enough (looking at you Mr. Carey). If everyone is really honest with themselves I think we can all agree that Jonah Hill’s character completely stole the show in Wolf Of Wall Street he’s definitely in all the scenes that stick out in my mind. Mr. Hill might have to wait for the third time of asking to get his Oscar but buddy have yourself a Johnpire.
Honourable Mentions: Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle & X-Men: Days of Future Past

Best Actress
WINNER: Amy Adams in American Hustle
If I went back in time 11 months and told myself how little American Hustle would feature in this year’s Johnpires, past me would be genuinely surprised. While other films have jumped ahead in it in virtually every category Amy Adams excellent performance as Bonnie to Christian Bales Clyde managed to fight of all contenders for Best Actress. Pretty impressive as this was the first movie I saw in 2014.

Best Actor
WINNER: Jake Gyllenhall as Louis Bloom in Nightcrawler
This was a hard one. Lots of good performances this year. This performance by Jake Gyllenhall really stood out when I saw it and I was predicting an Oscar nomination, possibly a win. Through from what I’ve heard Michael Keaton may have that in the bank with Birdman now (see next year). Well don’t worry buddy I’m giving you the Johnpire for your excellent performance as an unethical, disturbing and motivated free lance cameraman. If you haven’t seen this I recommend you do as the performance is magnetic and while you should hate the guy and his warped pursuit of the American Dream you can’t take your eyes off him. Kudos.
Honourable mentions: Ralph Fiennes in The Grand Budapest Hotel and Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Best Director
WINNER:  Wes Anderson for the Grand Budapest Hotel
I’ve loved Wes Anderson’s movies since I stumbled across The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. There’s something so quirky about them you just gotta love. That’s all I’ll say for the moment

Top 10 Movies of 2014
10. Interstellar
9. The Raid 2
8. Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes
7. Guardians Of The Galaxy
6. X-Men: Days Of Future Past
5. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
4. American Hustle
3. The Lego Movie
2. The Wolf Of Wall Street

Best Movie
WINNER: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Right where was I. Ah yes. Wes Anderson movies are awesome and this may be my new favourite. The attention to detail here is great down to using three different aspect ratios throughout the movie to reflect the time period (apparently the film arrived at cinemas with a note recommending the correct aspect ratio and warning that it would change throughout). The characters are all great and if you would indulge me just have a look at the cast on IMDb.  Stellar. I haven’t even mentioned the story yet which sees a narration of a narration of a narration (there might be one less narration there, trying to remember) about the story of Monsieur Gustav the charming gigolo to the elderly Consierge of the title hotel and how he comes into a large inheritance and the shenanigans that follow. Seriously go check this film out already if you haven’t.

Right. That wraps us up. Thanks very much if you made it this far. See y’all next year.

Monday, March 3, 2014

The (ridiculously delayed) Johnpire Awards 2013

Okay, okay I know this is so fucking late that it's the day after the Oscars. I'm sorry! I got caught up with Masters stuff, then post Masters doing nothing (which would have been the logical time to post this wouldn't it) and then back to Masters stuff and now I'm frantically typing this up watching the Oscar highlight show. I left myself down and it will not happen next year I promise!

Right now that's out of the way. Welcome one and all to my own personal end of the year movie awards (wait didn't there used to be TV too, [Shut up!, there's no time]). The origins of this are simple the Oscars are in my opinion short sighted and usually ignore films released between March and November of the year so my awards take into account every film which I see that is released in the Republic of Ireland between January 1st and December 31st. I keep track of them on IMDb and this years (you mean last year!) shortlist can be seen here. As you can see 2013 was a year of sequels, lots of sequels! And guess what 2014 is looking the exact same (and don't get me started on 2015 [Avengers 2! Star Wars 7!]) anyway enough exposition this thing is already 3 months late let's get to it. (oh thank God the formats copied from Word!)



Keanau Reeves Award for Worst Actor/Actress
WINNER: Tara Reid, Sharknado
Sharknado was not Citizen Kane, it was never meant to be. But at least some of the actors in it at least tried. Tara Reid, who had some credits to her name, stood out as possibly the worst actor in this. Fair play Tara, you’ve hit rock bottom now you can work your way up.

Worst Musical Moment
WINNER: Russell Crowe in Les Miserables
Oh Russell, Russell, Russell you can’t sing mate, and using the robot voice to make up for it just made things worse. A new category this one, think it might only make a single showing before being retired so should it be brought back I dub this “The Russell Crowe Award for Worst Musical Moment”. Still his acting was fine and he was pretty badass in Man of Steel so chin-up.

Spider-Man 3 Award for Worst Sequel/Prequel/Remake
WINNER: G.I. Joe: Retaliation
This is a weird one. This movie was actually miles better than the first Joe movie. The problem here is there was a LOT of Quel’s this year and this was the poorest of them. It’s a shame really.

Worst Movie
WINNER: Sharknado
It must be a good indication for the year that the movie I have to list as worst movie was one I thoroughly enjoyed at a pure “this is so bad, it’s good” level. But lets be honest the acting (as mentioned above) was poor, the continuity errors were many and the effects were dismal. That being said I can’t wait for the sequel.

Best Soundtrack
WINNER: Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
The first Anchorman movie had a great soundtrack. The second one did not disappoint on that front starting off with “Ride Like The Wind” and continuing strong. To be honest the second I heard “Dance The Night Away” by Van Halen this category was over.
Honourable Mentions: Django Unchained

Best Musical Moment
WINNER: “I Dreamed A Dream”, Les Miserables
The scene that single handidily won Anne Hathaway an Oscar. Let’s give her credit she gave that scene her all. I think she also needs to give Sinead O’Connor a thank you hamper because the scene borrows heavily from the video to “Nothing Compares To You” with the close up on face off a woman with shaved head while she has emotional breakdown and tear slowly falls down her face. 
Honourable Mentions: Iron Man 3 opening credits

Best Special-Effects
WINNER: Pacific Rim
This movie was dumb. There were plot holes, dodgy acting and the premise was far from original. However, I forgive all that because this movie delivered on the one thing that mattered. Giant Robots and Giant Monsters beating the shit out of each-other! And it looked glorious. This movie is a visual treat. I suggest turning your brain off and just enjoying this pizza (with stuffed crust) for the eyes.
Honourable Mentions: Man Of Steel, Gravity, Iron Man 3, Thor: The Dark World

Best Hero
WINNER: Django (Django Unchained)
I really had to think about this one. My first instinct was Superman but he did destroy a lot of stuff. Iron Man created his own villain. Thor was fine but outshone by Loki (who I seriously considered) so I left this blank and moved on until I finished the Best Actor award blurb then I had my Hero. The reason being he overcomes some serious adversitytakes down the entire Candyland operation avenging some of the (actually happened) horrors he has witnessed on his journey to be reunited with his wife. Also I’m a sucker for a spaghetti western.
Honourable Mention: Loki (Thor: The Dark World)

Best Villain
WINNER: Annabelle (The Conjuring)
Zod, tragic. Malekith, boring. Mandarin, cop-out. Kahn, seen-it. None of these villains is fit to stand in the same pantheon of villainy as that evil fucking doll from The Conjuring. Annabelle had no lines and you never saw her move but honestly that’s what made her so terrifying. Word is that an Annabelle spin-off is in the works. I’m buying the rubber sheets for my bed already. Also worth remembering Annabelle is based on a real possessed doll…
Honourable Mentions: Turbo (Wreck It-Ralph), Deadites (Evil Dead)

Best Animated Movie
WINNER: Despicable Me 2
I didn’t think I saw enough of these to do a category this year but it turns out I did and it’s quite competitive. Nudging out Wreck It Ralph and The Croods is the brilliant Despicable Me 2. You got minions, a decent plot and some great laughs. What more do you need.

Funniest Moment
WINNER: “We assure you this is still a true story”, Pain & Gain
Ah Pain & Gain the real diamond in the rough this year. Full of surprises with it being surprisingly low on explosions for a Michael Bay picture, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson putting in a great acting performance and being surprisingly hilarious. I highly suggest you hunt this down on DVD/Blu-Ray/Download when you get a chance because it is such a bizarre story that just as things get their most weird a title card flashes up to assure the audience that this is still a true story. Brilliant and hilarious.

Evil Dead II Award for Best Sequel/Prequel/Requel
WINNER: Evil Dead
This may be the big award this year considering the amount of quel’s released this year. As you can tell from the award title I am a Dead-head. Love my Evil Dead movies. This remake (although it could possibly be a sequel and a reboot to its own franchise, this remains to be seen) pays the correct amount of reverence to the original while wisely doing its own thing. Dead-heads would have probably revolted if Ash (more on him later) had been recast so brining in an all new cast of characters was the right move. Jane Levy who played Mia in particular is one to watch for the future I think. While the connections to the original trilogy were scarce if you stuck around till after the credits there was a fantastic cameo that should make everyone happy.
Honourable Mentions: Man Of Steel, Les Miserables, Iron Man 3, Thor 2

Stan Lee Award for Best Cameo
WINNER: Bruce Campbell as Ash in Evil Dead’s post-credits sting
First off sorry Bill Murray but I am renaming this award in favour of the cameo king Stan Lee. Now on to the winner. You barely saw him because he was in shadows and all he did was turn to the camera and say one word. But that was all Ashley J. Williams needed to do to win this award. Sure it’s a bit of a cop out giving it to a sting but as I said above I’m a Dead-head and he said “Groovy” damnit!
Honourable Mentions: Liam Neeson in Anchorman 2, (possibly) Christopher Reeve in Man of Steel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRGwz3c09lk

Best Newcomer
WINNER: Samantha Bark in Les Miserables
I could tell you the character’s name but unless you’re big on Les Mis it won’t matter to you. In the simplest terms she played Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter’s daughter. You know the really good singer. No, okay how about this. She was the ridiculously hot dark haired girl who was mad after the fella in the third act but he only had eyes for the blond one. Dumbass (the fella not you constant reader). Oh her acting was also really good (I think, who cares!).
Honourable Mentions: Jane Levy (Evil Dead), Nicholas Hoult (Warm Bodies)

Best Voice Acting
WINNER: Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug in The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
First off why is this not an Oscars category? Anyway there were a lot of good voice acting performances this year but Sherlock did a great job as the big fucking dragon Smaug using his malevolent vocal tones to perfect effect as he stalked Kim Kardashian (watch the South Park episode The Hobbit if you don’t get that) through the golden tomb of the dwarves. Plus I recently heard he mo-capped all of Smaugs movements which is most impressive.
Honourable Mentions: Steve Carrel (Despicable Me 2), John C. Reilly (Wreck It Ralph)

Best Supporting Actress
WINNER: Amy Adams as Lois Lane (Man Of Steel)
Just for making Lois Lane an intelligent character alone Amy Adam wins this. Yes I know that’s all down to the scriptwriters but still she pulled it off. No what really sold me is the look of terror in Amy Adams face in the scene where Superman is flying her away from the Kryptonians. I don’t know what the hell Zack Snyder said to her to illicit that reaction but bravo.
Honourable Mentions: Kerry Washington (Django Unchained)

Morgan Freeman Award for Best Supporting Actor
WINNER: Christoph Waltz as Dr. King Schultz (Django Unchained)
This award to be fair has been closed for quite some time. Since I saw this last January nothing has quite matched up to the performance Waltz gives. Honestly one more win for him in this category and I’m renaming this award.
Honourable Mentions: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Pain and Gain), Tom Hiddleston (Thor: The Dark World), Nick Frost (The World’s End)

Best Actress
WINNER: Sandra Bullock as Ryan Stone (Gravity)
Let me begin by saying I am not the biggest fan of Ms. Bullock. That being said for roughly 75 of this film’s 90 minute run time she kept my attention all by herself (with some great camerawork and special effects but that’s beside the point). I expect her to get an Oscar nomination for this and I would feel confident of her winning too (bar Meryl Strep getting nominated cause she just has to show up to win it). Don’t slip up and do a crappy romcom next. Build on this!
Honourable Mentions: Jane Levy (Evil Dead), Rooney Mara (Side Effects)

Best Actor
WINNER: Jamie Foxx as Django (Django Unchained)
Another acting nod for Django. Foxx was great. The bit I liked best of his performance had to be when he was playing his black slaver character which simply oozed spaghetti western anti-hero. He played it cold and harsh, which contradicted the warm but deadly Django we’d seen up to that point. In particular the scene where he doesn’t react to the death of poor D’artagneon. Only to get bloody vengeance on the whole lot of the racist slave owning fucks at the end. Then he made his horse dance…
Honourable Mentions: Hugh Jackman (Les Miserables), Matt Damon (Elysium)

Best Director
WINNER: Alfonso Cuaron (Gravity)
This guy spent 6 years of his life putting this film together. It is a labour of love and it shows in every perfect shot. This is also the first film I’ve seen since Avatar that I have no problem playing the inflated price for 3D (guys 3D sucks!) because it’s so thought out it works. The shots following the destruction of the International Space Station in particular look great. Also he deserves this for getting a Johnpire winning performance out of Sandra Bullock and resisting the remptation to overuse George Clooney. Cert for an Oscar.
Honourable Mentions: Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained), James Wan (The Conjuring)

Top 10 Movies of 2013
10. Pain and Gain
9. Iron Man 3
8. Thor: The Dark World
7. The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
6. Man Of Steel
5. The Conjuring
4. Les Miserables
3. Evil Dead
2. Django Unchained

Film of the Year
WINNER: Gravity
Gravity completes the hat-trick for Best Actress, Director and Film and I’ve kind of ran out of things to say. It looks great, the acting is great, you can feel the directors passion for the project in every shot and it knows exactly how long to be at 90 minutes. If this had gone to 2 hours I doubt it would be as good. I originally wrote I didn’t think this would get an Oscar nod. Man was I wrong. Delighted this did so well as it truly was a labour of love. That being said if you didn’t see this in 3D in the cinema I feel sorry for you because it just won’t have the same effect on a small screen at home. 3D or not. 

DISCLAIMER: I apologize for any typos I had no time! I promise next years will be better!!